People send me lots of marketing materials. I get examples from lawyers who want me to comment on their efforts, stuff from people who have seen something that caught their interest and are just for my general information. Sometimes though, there comes along a lesson for all at the expense of bad marketing. A sales letter that actually made me laugh out loud came to my attention. Now, I don’t think the author intended that response, but it was the only one it deserved. In fact, it was a perfect example of how really, really awful marketing pieces can be.

A friend of one of my sons brought me a sales letter he recently received from someone whose name could not be revealed. Above the “Dear John” was an entire paragraph, the first sentence of which read, “John, please forgive us, but we have just taken a closer look at your profile. It turns out you’re more special than any of us imagined!”

I’m more special than any of you have ever imagined? I’m so compelled to keep reading!

Here are the first three sentences of the 16-page letter:

Dear John:

This is a personal letter to you. Notice: this is not a mass mailing; this letter came to you by first-class mail, not by third-class bulk mail. This is not a solicitation for money.

So, what do you think John thought immediately? You’re right: THIS IS A MASS MAILING THAT IS GOING TO TRY TO GET MONEY FROM ME.

I can’t tell if it was some college prank or if someone actually hopes to make money sending the letter out to John and others, but whatever it was, it was most certainly wasted energy and money. It tapped into every insecurity known to mankind and promised to fulfill every dream anyone ever had - wealth, health, love, prestige, energy, ability to convince anyone to do anything. The letter promised great sex and enormous riches. There were more adjectives in the letter than I’ve seen since I learned what an adjective is.  My son and his friends laughed their heads off. They couldn’t even figure out what was being sold. (My suspicion is that mostly the letter writer wanted their contact information.)

Great copywriting works. Mediocre copywriting does not. Bad copywriting gets laughed at.

Which quality copywriting does your firm produce?