Divorce is a lot of things. The experience drives, introduces, and perhaps even throws us entirely into a new reality. That is true even if we wanted the divorce. Yet whatever the experience or emotions one may have because of divorce, it is most certainly an end. A feeling (sometimes an overwhelming feeling) of loneliness after divorcing is a normal emotion. Loneliness can overwhelm the very best of us, and that yearning for companionship, friendship, and in many cases, completion, can often seem to be far too consuming to handle even for one more day. Nevertheless, the next day is coming, and the world is turning whether one welcomes this new normal or not.

Quite often, this new reality seems nothing but cold and unyielding. Many of us have had (or currently are having) that feeling of being in a fugue state after a relationship’s end. It really can be jarring to our entire systems. You are now a single person, and “single” brings with it its own brand of new. How long we can linger in this state is entirely up to ourselves.

Outside looking in.

So often when a marriage (or any relationship) comes to its end, there is at least one person there to tell us that “all is fair in love and war.” More noticeably, they were not so quick to mention that beforehand. As it may turn out, the friends we had when we were married may not want to spend as much time with us as we are now single. It’s quite possible after a divorce, our kids, family, and friends may not be with us as often during the holidays, birthdays, or other special occasions. Ultimately, our very life structures have changed, and this new existence will take time to get used to.

Like it or not, we have been given something to think about. However unpleasant and difficult, turbulent times in life can allow us to think more clearly than when we may have been on cloud nine in the past. Hard times can make for original thinkers, and that realization comes without invitation. How we go about our thoughts now will be key as this time can be an opportunity to grow.

The new has consumed you, and perhaps that is for the better.

How do we adjust? Remember that loneliness, unpleasant as it is, remains a natural emotion. It is an appropriate feeling for anyone at this particular threshold in life. Perhaps what does not defeat us really does make us stronger. Yet, the loneliness will not resolve itself. Some people do not believe in it, but I am a proponent of therapy. If and when help is needed, there are always supportive networks available to us. One can turn to professionals like therapists and doctors, as well as family members and close friends for help. We should not deny any means to rebuild ourselves after a divorce, as this will be an excellent opportunity to change in meaningful ways. It will, however, take time.

Consider this time alone as a time for self-discovery. Take parents, for example. The identity one found in their marriage is significant in itself, and that identity also extends to parenthood. In this new normal, a parent may not have their children around all of the time as they once did. Shared parenting can be lonely, yet it can also be freeing. What does one do if the former spouse and the kids are not around as consistently as before? I suggest taking the time for oneself, and appreciating how special that actually is.

This is a time to invest or reinvest in a hobby, or perhaps go back to work or try a new career path. Use this time to reconnect with friends or your professional network. Consider traveling, redecorating your home, or learning something new. Simply aim to do things that are fun and bring you joy, and really appreciate the opportunity that has been granted.

It’s still your life, and your journey.

Memories do not go away so easily. A melancholy truth is that they rarely go away at all. Loneliness and pain do not go away easily either. Staring at the walls is of no use. There is more of life to see and experience. It’s time to give the “new” its day.

Yes, this is a brave new world for the newly single, the newly alone. Having that time to breathe and focus mostly on oneself is more valuable than we initially gave it credit for. The best feeling could be the realization that this is your time, and your story, and that is a very good thing.